my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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