I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
