remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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