Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
