Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
im six kinds of drunk right now
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
