Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
