I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
