Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
