cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
