Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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