if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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