i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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