We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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