is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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