Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
