ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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