I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
