Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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