the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
