is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
