If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
