i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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