If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
