I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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