they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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