we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We left the knife in your bed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
