Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i came on her dog
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
