Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
