he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
