I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
