ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
