there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
