She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
