he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
