Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
