Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize