You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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