I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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