Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
