if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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