Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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