Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The beer is more important than you right now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
