My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
