i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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