I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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