we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
