I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
