i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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