I hate all girls vehemently.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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