everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
