I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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