the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Vodka?
Forever.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
