Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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