i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
