Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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