Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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