i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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