I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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