I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
