There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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