happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
