you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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