I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
